Before I die, I will live

"I'm coming home". Those were the exact words I said on the phone to my mother as soon I saw the 'Welcome to Kaduna' signpost at the toll gate. It was a Friday, the 31st of March, 2017. The day I decided to face my fears with shaking feet but a firm resolve to change the story of my life. It was a decision I had to make for myself. Sometimes the only way to move forward is to start again.

I lost myself trying to find me. Fear consumed me. There were different voices in my head but I listened to the only voice that mattered. I packed a suitcase. Nervous, I locked the car keys in the car. I couldn't drive to Kaduna anyway. I picked up my daughter, hopped on a bike and eventually a taxi and never looked back.

I was home! Home represented peace, joy, love, happiness and rest. Home meant getting back to the drawing board. I was back to the very beginning. Unlike the other time when I hid away in my parent's home for months with no one noticing, this time I went to church. Head raised, eyes focused. And when the rumours started as I knew they would, I smiled and went through it gracefully because I was HOME. It didn't matter what anyone said. I finally came to terms with my scars and knew it was not enough to stop me from living. I was not ashamed of starting over me. I am the boss of me.

I knew I was ready for HOME. Because for the first time, I was not overwhelmed by anger. Rather I prayed. For me. My child. He who had hurt me. My future. I was finally ready. Ready to move on. I let God heal me. I stopped pretending I was okay. I let Him be my strength.

Its Friday. The 30th of March 2018. The person I was on this day in 2017 is not who I am today. I discovered strengths I never knew I possessed. I let people love me. I loved people. I found my voice. I fell in love with writing again. I was safe. I was happy. I was free. I was alive. I was HOME.

"Regardless of how off track we think we are, we can always ask God to reorder our steps" - SJR

My name is Love and before I die, I have chosen to live. 💛

Peace, love and cuddles,

Love. 😘

When life happens

#EmotionalFriday

What do you do when life happens? Pre 2013, I basically lived the #babygirl life. I was young, free, ambitious. I lived within my means but my means took very good care of me. I bought things for the future. Shoes for just incase one wedding comes up and we need 'silver shoe'😂 or may be 'grey'. My shoe rack was the dream. My bags? Gosh. I have never been driven by money because we had a very humble beginning. My father would always tell the story of how we (my papa, my mama, me and my bro in my mummy's belly😊) were kicked out of a relatives house at 12 midnight because I spoilt their TV knob. My mama mixed sugar and hot water as 'tea' for us during harmattans.

I will never forget where we came from and it has helped me be friends with anybody- privileged or not. Then came the season where....Sigh, I think I should just leave the rest for the new book.

One day, I racked my wardrobe for any cloth of value I could sell, I found one Senegalese attire I had worn once. I washed, ironed and packed it and called someone up who could help me sell it. I got N15,000. I originally bought for N50,000 during baby girl life😊. I sold my shoes on Facebook and Instagram. Mostly new. I invited some ladies I knew from a Whatsapp group to my house and they came to pick stuff and I just collected whatever they had to offer. I did all these to buy my daughter's food. I remember going for a scan when I was 6 months pregnant and the doctor was worried at the size of my baby. 'She's too small', she said. She asked I immediately started eating lots of healthy food. Food?😂 Where? The garri I drank ehn. No wonder Nifemi likes garri. My former colleague and friend for life, Bisola will buy me food even without me asking because I refused to buy food on credit. Let the hunger kill me. He understood my silence. Once I start to throw up, it meant I was hungry and he would always find something. When I decided to start selling chinchin at the office, he will be the one carrying it around to market. I did not buy ONE shoe or slippers in 3 years and I would still post happy pictures. Once I didn't make my hair in 6 months. My friends, Onome and Eniye gave me clothes. My salary was disbursed the same day it was collected. Thank God we do not look like what we've been through.

So when I tell you that it pays to trust God because He WILL come through, best believe, I am not talking book knowledge, I am speaking from first hand experience.

I am a product of grace. He changed my story, He can change yours if you only believe. ❤

God is not Arik, He is dependable

My taxi arrived and we set out for Abuja very early. I had an Arik flight to catch from Abuja. The airport was crowded. There were lots of foreigners arriving Nigeria to attend the Calabar Carnival. I got carried away staring at the well-rounded scantily dressed women. They must have been South Africans. God finished work on them abeg🤗 Our brothers are covered with the blood of Jesus😥 They soon announced their boarding and few minutes later, the rest of us could breathe again. It was less crowded and oh well...more people with clothes. It was a few minutes to my flight and there was no boarding announcement. I walked up to the ticketing office and I was casually told there was a delay. 'We don't know when we will fly but we will still go, just be patient'. I also then politely told him I wanted to fill a refund form as I would not be flying again. He pointed me to the direction of the office for that. While waiting, I called the cabman who luckily had not yet headed back to Kaduna to come get me. I filled the form and made to leave when a woman with kids who was supposed to be on the same flight asked me to just wait a little that they had assured her they would fly. I told her I had no faith in Arik and wished her all the best. 3 hours later, I was in Kaduna. I was casually scrolling through Instagram when I saw a picture of people who were to fly to the same location and waited till 5pm before they were told they could no longer go.

Some months before this, I booked a Turkish flight and before I even paid I was told there will be a 12 hours wait before the connecting flight and I still paid (Emirates was a 3 hour wait but I would save money with Turkish which would be used for shopping😉 My mother thought it was the most foolish decision ever). I gladly prepared for these 12 hours. I had music, books and lots of window shopping and food tasting. I did not have a doubt in my mind that I would wait past 12 hours. I knew at the end of 12 hours, I would be on the plane. No stories. No go-come. Turkish as well as many International airlines have managed to build an infallible system that just works. Honestly, I didn't have to pray about it. I had absolute and complete faith in them. They do not have a track record of failing, why would they start with me?

Nigeria is a developing country and they can't help it- too many factors; economical, political, religious, corruption cause them to fail (notice how I wrote 'them'😂 I have removed myself). Even when 'they' do not want to fail, the way the system is set up, it's impossible not to. It's like putting your trust in man. Even when He has the best intentions, because he is a man, he is prone to disappoint you. He has his own issues, he may change his mind about you, resources he was expecting may not come through etc.

Trusting in God however is different. No matter how long He takes, you have the assurance that He WILL come through because He is God. It is impossible for Him to fail or cancel a flight😂. If He says He will do it then He will do it. So wait 12 hours if you have to or 12 years or 60 years knowing that your flight will leave eventually because He is not Arik🤣. Trust me, with God, it is not a delayed flight, it will just be right on time. What you do in the waiting is also important. You must be glad, joyful with no murmuring or complain.

Peace, love and sunshine,

Love.

P.s if this has blessed you share with others. 😘

I could have been jailed in the UK

Since its past 1am and I can't sleep, let me share a funny story. Fasten your seatbelts.

So while in London, I went to visit a family I had known in Nigeria for a few days. It was a few days to my trip back to Nigeria for the holidays. I had my suitcase packed so I would go to the airport from their home.

On the night before my departure, we took a stroll to a nearby shop to buy some groceries. That's when I noticed a beautiful gift store. They had this handmade beautiful cards with personalized notes on display. I wanted to speak up to ask of we could go in but I was shy😂 they would know I wanted to buy it for a man. Lai lai

I was now memorizing the route as we walked back home with the plan that when they go to work the next day, I will quickly come and make an express order because I was flying to Nigeria that night. Easy peasy.

We exchanged pleasantries, they went to work. I quickly had my bath and got dressed. Only one problem, it was really cold and windy. Then I psyched myself that I would not be long. I left my phone and wallet. Put cash in my jacket pocket, wore my boots and off I went. One mind said 'carry your phone' but my village people did not allow me😆

I now removed the key from inside and tried to lock from outside. It did not turn. I kept trying for almost 10 minutes, no luck for my lock (pun intended😋)

I now had a genius idea to not close the door but I pulled it close enough to look closed and off I went. I found the shop very easily. I could not get a personalized card in that short time but I found one that was quirky and fun. Something I would like. So I paid.

I don't understand what happened but I did not understand the road I followed to come (village people?) That's how I got lost. I almost peed on myself. Te mi ba mi!!! Who was I going to ask for help? The people that don't even answer greeting? Plus it was a predominantly white community, I was afraid someone will call the police to report a strange black girl pacing upandan. No ID or phone on me. If they arrest me and take me to an unknown jail nko? It's all over.

I found my way back to the shop. Then I tasked my mind to remember the night I memorized the route. I was home finally 😁 Only one problem, the door was slightly opened. Nothing I did not think. Maybe a serial killer or rapist waa lurking around and noticed I did not lock and have entered. Or perhaps a burglar was inside. I kept pleading the blood of Jesus. I entered and started shouting 'hello'. No answer. I did not jam the door incase I may need to run out. I sat downstairs for a while hoping to hear movement. Nothing. Then I tiptoed upstairs opening doors gently. When I was sure I was alone, I went back to lock the door. I addressed my card and packed it up. By night, I was on my way to Nigeria.

I presented my card to 'man', he said a casual 'thank you." Hian🙄 No 'aww. Ohmygosh I love this, you totally get me'. I was disappointed. I could have died because of this card or being in an unknown jail😂

But it taught me something. That gesture mirrored one of the ways I like to receive love and not his (I mean I kept this frame Avesta gave me since 2013 and the cute clock Prerna gave me

). Knowing the love language of your spouse is key else you will keep getting disappointed. Just like the greatest way to show love to God is by keeping his commandments and working in His ways. Doing every other thing apart from these won't get His attention. Love Him today how He wants to be loved.

On finding purpose

Am I to become a musician, writer, pastor, chef (lol, clearly not), lecturer, lawyer, broadcaster, governor's wife or perhaps the governor herself? "What exactly is my purpose on earth?" Like many of us, I asked myself this question often. I just wanted a clear cut instruction manual from God.

I remember being in Children's church and being asked repeatedly to sing. I couldn't even look at the faces of people. My head was almost always bowed. I could sing, yes! But I was timid. Why would God give me this talent and not help me be bold. That was something I had to learn on my own.

I was always picked to read the News at school. They said I could speak 'good' English. Phew! This still required looking at the faces of people. To be honest, I think my English is basic but my dad struggles to hear me especially when I'm using the microphone. He would often say 'won't you reduce this grammar?' Or 'do you know I did not hear one thing, I don't know why they were clapping'🤣

I joined NIFES (Nigeria Fellowship of Evangelical Students) in the university. It was huge. I didn't think anyone would notice me. I came and left quietly. Alas! One day as I sat in fellowship, someone passed me a letter that had my name on it. I opened it only to discover I had been nominated to be an exco. I was very indifferent. I didn't want stress. My mother practically forced me to attend the nomination and interview meeting. It was not long I was announced Asst Gen. Secretary. Yay! Atleast I was assistant, 'I will only support once in a while', I thought. Yimu. Just once that I read the announcement, the hall went into a frenzy. Yup! the 'grammar' my pops always complains about plus I led the closing anthem in my sonorous voice😜 of course I was now made to join the choir. My Gen sec practically made me handle almost every service. Yet again, I found myself standing in front of hundreds of people. At first, I was nervous but I gradually began to find my voice and boldness. At the end of my tenure, I was promoted to Zonal level. This means I would never have reached Zone had I not started with AGS and being faithful with it.

Then came PRAISCO, the biggest music event at the time and I was chosen to sing the National Anthem. As I got on the stage and looked at the crowd, my heart dropped. I had never seen so many people gathered together in one place. But I was already there and the only choice left was to deliver. I still remember that day like it was yesterday.

I went on from NIFES to speaking and singing on different platforms and I always remember how God has been moulding me and preparing me for the future. Now I hold the mic and it looks like I was born with it.

Now I know that God has created me to be a shining light and a leader. I make no apologies for that. People want to hear what I have to say. I mean who would believe that I would host an event in the little community I live in Kaduna and have so many people turn up. Who would believe I would sell out on a book I wrote to people who don't personally know me from my small community called Mando that is probably not on the map. People from Malawi, UK, US, Kenya, Lagos, PH, Kano, Kafanchan, Abuja, Kaduna, Zaria etc.🙄 Most of these places I have never been to.

I remember writing free articles for ChildrenOfTheMekong where I interned in London. What if I turned it down because I was not receiving payment for it? It was God presenting an opportunity to build myself up.

Your purpose is almost always embedded in your natural abilities and God will always present you with opportunities at the level where you are to prepare you. Do not take for granted the level you are in right now. You may need to go through it to get to the next stage.

Until you get through that stage, God will not let you in on his next mission for you. So refusal to be useful with your gifts and talents because you feel too big or too good for a particular place is only shooting yourself in the foot.

The servant who was given 5 talents did not know God's ultimate plan was to make him governor of 6 cities. Matt 25:14-30. If he was not faithful with the little, he would never have been governor. The whole time, God had governor in mind but he had him start from being a salesman. God will not reveal the big plan to you. Your purpose continues to unveil as you on with your life and with every experience. I mean if I didn't fight and win depression, how would I be able to counsel on it?

I pray God's discernment for you that you do not miss out on opportunities that God has orchestrated to lead you to your purpose.

Peace, love and finding purpose,

Love.

P.s. As always, if it has blessed you, share with others.