Before I die, I will live

"I'm coming home". Those were the exact words I said on the phone to my mother as soon I saw the 'Welcome to Kaduna' signpost at the toll gate. It was a Friday, the 31st of March, 2017. The day I decided to face my fears with shaking feet but a firm resolve to change the story of my life. It was a decision I had to make for myself. Sometimes the only way to move forward is to start again.

I lost myself trying to find me. Fear consumed me. There were different voices in my head but I listened to the only voice that mattered. I packed a suitcase. Nervous, I locked the car keys in the car. I couldn't drive to Kaduna anyway. I picked up my daughter, hopped on a bike and eventually a taxi and never looked back.

I was home! Home represented peace, joy, love, happiness and rest. Home meant getting back to the drawing board. I was back to the very beginning. Unlike the other time when I hid away in my parent's home for months with no one noticing, this time I went to church. Head raised, eyes focused. And when the rumours started as I knew they would, I smiled and went through it gracefully because I was HOME. It didn't matter what anyone said. I finally came to terms with my scars and knew it was not enough to stop me from living. I was not ashamed of starting over me. I am the boss of me.

I knew I was ready for HOME. Because for the first time, I was not overwhelmed by anger. Rather I prayed. For me. My child. He who had hurt me. My future. I was finally ready. Ready to move on. I let God heal me. I stopped pretending I was okay. I let Him be my strength.

Its Friday. The 30th of March 2018. The person I was on this day in 2017 is not who I am today. I discovered strengths I never knew I possessed. I let people love me. I loved people. I found my voice. I fell in love with writing again. I was safe. I was happy. I was free. I was alive. I was HOME.

"Regardless of how off track we think we are, we can always ask God to reorder our steps" - SJR

My name is Love and before I die, I have chosen to live. 💛

Peace, love and cuddles,

Love. 😘