As I stretched my hands to collect it, the words fell out of his mouth. 'I'm sorry, it's still negative'. I sat in the very hot car that had been microwaved by the sun, took the glasses up and cried and screamed. I added the result to the many others in th box. I had been visiting a Laboratory secretly every week for many weeks. The Lab. Sci. began to take pity on me, I knew I had to stop. I stopped crying, drove to a Fast Food and ordered everything unhealthy. I was eating and driving. I would break into a cry and few minutes later, I would begin to laugh hysterically. Off went that plan. I thought another child would make things better.
I recognized it. I was spiralling into depression. Again. I had not been sleeping. I spent most nights keeping vigil for when he was deep in sleep so I could steal his phone and hope that my mind would not forget the new pattern password he had. The one I pretended not to see. My mind never failed me. And each night, my heart was left more broken than before. There was the night I finally stole her number from his phone. For weeks, I didn't know what to do with it. At 3am one day, I texted her. I thanked her. I thanked her for being all that I could not be. I cried myself to sleep again.
I had run away 8 times, still I returned. I was afraid of being out there. The devil you know is better than the angel you don't know, they say. So I always came back to the misery I knew as home.
Then came the day when I decided to accept I was lost and had no idea what I was doing. But I was sure of what I didn't want anymore. I felt like God had thrown me to the wolves ON PURPOSE. This time, I was wise enough to just follow His lead even when I had no idea where I was going. I let my plans go for His.
Now that things are getting clearer, I feel like God carefully handpicks a few of us and bursts our bubbles. Our perfect lives. Just to teach us how to survive harsh conditions so we can teach others. To teach us that we can overcome anything. I mean, things like this don't often happen to people like 'me' but how else would we stretch? Knowledge from books? Nah. Sometimes we may need to go through the fire. He lets you wander away, learning lessons and gaining experiences, then He comes to find you and considers you more valuable than those who stayed put. You dared to get uncomfortable . You dared not to settle. You dared to allow yourself be talked about. You did not mind the rumours being spread. He would leave 99 men to find just 1 man like this.
"What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them gets lost, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountain and go in search of the one that is lost? And if it turns out that he finds it, I assure you and most solemnly say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that did not get lost." Matt 18:12-14.
My message is not for everyone so I understand that some people will not take to it. I realize that I've been called to the broken. To give them hope. Because I too was once broken. I went through the fire. I burned. I healed. I survived. And so when I tell You, there is a purpose to all you may be going through and that you will be okay, you'd believe. Not just because I said it but you can see my own testimony.
He alone sees the big picture. Let Him disrupt your plan. Let Him close the door. Let the relationship go. Let the friendship go. Just let Him do his thing. There is beauty in getting lost. You will see it eventually. He's always on purpose.
Peace, love and banana popsicles,
Love.
If this has blessed, please share with others. I love you.
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